MY HEART AND I DON'T SPEAK ANYMORE.

Bitter: Susan Ivanova Fanpage

Susan is just so beaten down by the world. Her mother died due to Psi Corps. Her brother died in the Earth-Minbari war. Her father passed away after a lifetime of contention between them. Everyone that we saw her care for--Talia, Marcus, Sheridan--all died. After all that, how can she not be bitter? It makes her perfect for this prompt.

Quote from her and Lorien.

I've just I've buried so many friends, Delenn.
I'm beginning to resent it. And I don't want to.
It seems like some days there's no one left to play with.
There's no joy anymore. I don't know what I'm doing anymore or why.
- Sleeping in Light

You're right.
The Talia I knew is dead.
- Divided Loyalties

I think I loved Talia.

You can't imagine what it's like to share vour own mother's love for vou. To feel it in vour thoughts. No one's been that close to me, commander. And no one must ever intrude upon that memorv, especiallv Psi Corps. - Eyes

They caught my mother on her 35th birthday. She didn't want to join the Corps, didn't want to go to prison. So they gave her the treatment. For 10 years, a man in a gray suit came to the door once a week. And he gave her the injections. They were strong. Terribly strong. Every day we just watched her drift further and further away from us. The light in her eyes just went out bit by bit. And when we thought she could go no further... she took her own life. - Midnight on the Firing Line

It's funny, this morning I remembered a story I hadn't thought about in years. I was 10. My father was away on business, and my mother was... Well, she'd been on the sleepers for so many years. Psi Corps control freaks wouldn't leave her alone. It's the same refrain over and over again. 'Sleepers or prison. Sleepers or prison.' I was downstairs. I was playing with my dolls. I know. It's hard to believe, but even I played with dolls once upon a time. Seems like a lifetime ago. Anyway, she came downstairs and she just watched me play. She had the strangest look on her face, like she was trying to burn that moment...into her mind so she would never, ever forget it. So I asked her if she'd play with me, and she said: 'Of course, Susatchka, but I want you to wait for me next door at cousin Magda's house. I'll come for you soon.' So I went, and I waited, and I waited, and it got dark and my father came home, and then some other men showed up. And then my father told me that my mother had gone away. It wasn't until later that I found out that she took her own life. That she had come down to watch me play so that she could have one perfect memory to take with her into heaven. Whenever someone has told me they would wait for me or come for me... it hasn't come true. I can't do that anymore, John."
"You know, the ones that I loved always ended up hurting me... or leaving me. And the ones who stayed.. .they had nothing inside. No depth... All love is unrequited, Stephen. All of it."

- Rising Star

pic of talia? or collage of lost loved ones

"I need to decide where my heart belongs before the rest of me can follow." - Rising Star

(pic of marcus?) need quotes about her dad and brother and maybe marcus stuff idk. the earring thing with ganya. her dad calling her little soul

душенька моя

You know about her mother? ...A great tragedy. And one for which I believe Susan blamed her father. A year later, when her brother, Ganya, was killed in the Minbari Wars... and Susan chose to join Earthforce against Andrei's wishes... the rift between them became greater still... Susan has traveled a hard road, commander. Now that her family is gone, that road is harder still.

Susan, I know I haven't been the best of fathers to you. But when your mother passed on and your brother was killed in the war I was too wrapped up in my own grief to pay attention to your needs. And when you joined EarthForce against my wishes… I want you to know how proud I am of you, Susan. I always have been. But a father should give his daughter love as well as respect, and in that I failed you. I'm sorry, I'm ashamed. Forgive me.

My father was not a loving man. But in his own way, I always felt he loved me. Until my mother began Psi Corps treatment.
It was the law... You cannot blame him for it.
I don't. I blame him for denying me his love. Even as Mama became incapable of giving me hers. I needed him, Yossel. And he wasn't there. My father wasn't there for me. When mother took her life and Ganya died...he couldn't find a shred of love for me. So I left. And he never forgave me for it. As if I were the one who'd abandoned him.
And now that he has left for good, you cannot forgive him?
No, I can't.
Then the tragedy is greater than I thought. Without forgiveness, you cannot mourn. And without mourning, you can never let go of the pain... You cannot run away from your own heart, Susan. Not even in space.
You're the best officer I've ever served with. I couldn't run this station without you. But I also consider you a friend. As your friend, I'm telling you, it does no good to bottle up your feelings. Your father's dead. You need to express your grief or it'll eat you up. "

I love you, little sister.

Ganya, wait. Remember when we were camping and we got lost? And then I lost my earring, and then we were found. I never found the earring. You made me feel better by telling me that it was lucky? ...Here, take this for good luck. I won't wear it again until you come back. Until you give it back to me. That way, we know you'll come back.

Susan. I don't think I ever told you what a good friend you've been and how proud I am of you. I just... Before you left, I... I just thought you should know.

I told you that my mother was a telepath and that since I was born, she could slip into my thoughts in a way that I could never even describe to you. Well, what I didn't tell you is that I learned how to keep her out when I wanted to. And then every once in a while I was the one who touched her mind. I'm a latent telepath. Susan, why didn't you tell me this before? - I thought we could trust each other. - It's got nothing to do with trust. I've spent my entire life hiding this, captain. It's not something you can just change overnight. It's hard enough telling you this now. You're right. I'm sorry. I remember my mother drilled three words into my head: "Tell no one. " She taught me how to fool the tests given at school always staying one step ahead of the Psi Corps. I'm probably not even a P1. I've never been able to read anyone except my mother. I can pick up on feelings sometimes. I can block a casual scan and I know instantly if someone's doing it. But nothing more. But that's enough for the Psi Corps to come pull you in. Lyta isn't with the Corps. She's on the run. - How can you be sure of that? - Well, I can't, but Garibaldi believes her. Garibaldi doesn't believe anyone. Exactly. I know how hard this must've been for you to tell me this. So let me think about it. Maybe we can work something out. Okay. It's all this nonsense lately.